My Boyfriend Spends All His Money On Video Games

How many of the above statements are true for you? Although there is no cut-off indicating that video game addiction is present, obviously the more items that apply to you the greater the likelihood that excessive computer gaming is damaging your relationship. Advice for Stopping a Partner's Video Game Addiction 1. Don't offer to join him.

If you have already looked for advice online on how to deal with a partner's video game addiction, you may have seen the suggestion to join him in his hobby. That is, take an interest in video games yourself and this way you can spend time with your boyfriend or husband while you both play games together.

Forget it.

Yes, it is true that in some relationships both partners are gamers and enjoy spending time together in this way – it can happen. However, this usually develops naturally from a mutual, pre-existing interest in video games, and not from one partner who is desperately trying to be noticed and valued in the relationship.

There are many problems with this "solution", the most obvious being that it does not address the issue of choosing video games over your relationship. The person is still defaulting to gaming when given a choice. Simply being allowed to play with him is unlikely to make you feel any more important in the relationship. Saying "If you want to spend time with me no one is stopping you from picking up a controller" still sends the message that video games take priority over the relationship.

Additionally, you may have absolutely no interest in playing these games…and he may actually prefer to keep gaming as "his thing" (which is usually just fine if he still makes plenty of time for you).

2. Don't call it an "addiction".

Although excessive computer gaming is often referred to as an "addiction", it is not an officially recognized mental health diagnosis. The use of the term addiction is mainly used as a simple way to refer to "unhealthy or excessive video gaming habits that significantly interfere with social, relational, educational, occupational, or emotional functioning". Clearly it is much easier to use the term "video game addiction" than the previous definition!

Given that video game addiction is not a recognized disorder and that using the term will likely only make your boyfriend or husband even more defensive ("It's not even a real disorder – how can I be addicted?!"), there is little practical use in using the words "addiction" or "addicted".

3. Don't automatically assume that excessive video gaming is a "symptom of a deeper underlying issue".

Yes, it is true that turning to video games can be a way of dealing with feelings of depression, anxiety, or interpersonal difficulties – this should not be overlooked. However, this is not always the case. Sometimes, video game addiction is simply an unhealthy obsession with games – this is the issue. The person is drawn in by the challenges, strategies, competition, visuals, rewards, and feels a sense of accomplishment when mastering the game (see Why Are Video Games Addictive?).

The problem may not be that he is depressed or socially anxious, but that he has prioritized video games over other activities and has difficulty setting limits on his gameplay.

4. Avoiding or ignoring it won't make it go away.

If your boyfriend's or husband's video game addiction is significantly interfering with the quality of your relationship (you should have a sense of this by taking the quiz above), something needs to be done about it. Too often the partners of video game addicts avoid talking about their concerns because they are afraid that it will make the situation even worse. True, it may cause a temporary increase in the overall stress level in your relationship. However, the purpose of discussing relationship problems (whatever they may be) is to deal with before them become out of control.

Let your partner know:

that you love him or care about him
that you are concerned about his video game habits (not "addiction")
that you miss spending time with him
that you believe it is affecting your relationship
that spending so much time with video games makes you feel ignored
that it is very important to you that talk about this and address it as a couple

5. It is OK to offer suggestions.

Hopefully your partner is receptive to the conversation above as initiated by you. If so, you may be wondering "now what?" Obviously the steps that are taken from here will depend on your specific situation. However, it is perfectly reasonable to offer a few tentative ideas for his feedback:

"I care about you and I care about this relationship. But sometimes I feel ignored when video games take so much of your time. I think that this is affecting our relationship and I am worried that we may not be spending enough quality time together. I know that you like playing these games and I'm not asking you to stop. But maybe we could agree to cut back to an hour or two per day so that we still have time for each other? This is very important to me. What do you think?"

5. Don't settle for being less important than computer games.

Asking that your boyfriend or husband spend more time with you than with computer games is not unreasonable! Occasionally, couples become so comfortable with each other that they stop putting time and energy into the relationship. They may mistakenly assume that the other person will always be there no matter what.

When someone stops trying and their partner no longer feels special, appreciated, or important, this is the beginning of the end for the relationship. No one is in a relationship to be ignored – you cannot settle for this and do not need to compete with a video game for attention from your boyfriend or husband.

6. If necessary, consider couples therapy or other treatment options.

If your partner is unwilling to discuss or compromise on his gaming habits even after following the advice above, consider couples therapy.

When suggesting this, try to avoid making statements like "We need to go to couples counselling to fix this". Also, don't make this suggestion in frustration or anger after a huge argument. Rather, wait until you are feeling close to your partner. Comment on the good day (or afternoon, or morning, etc.) that you have had together and how great it would be to have more times like this. Introduce couples counseling as a way "feel even closer to each other" and as a way to be "stronger as a couple". That is, focus on the positives that can come from this rather than presenting it as a last attempt to "save" your relationship.

Often, making the decision to try therapy is the largest hurdle to overcome. If this applies to your boyfriend or husband, suggest it as "An experiment - let's just see what it is like. No commitments. If it is helpful, great! If not, we don't need to go back. Can we try this?"

If your partner is still unwilling to try couples counselling, consider looking into individual therapy. If he is reluctant, he may be willing to read this downloadable workbook for video or computer game addiction.

If he refuses all of these options and you strongly believe that obsessive computer use is harming your relationship (and how you feel about yourself), you need to seriously evaluate whether you can continue to invest time and energy into it. Talk to friends and / or family about your situation and ask for their advice or feedback. You may also want to book an appointment with a psychologist or therapist for yourself – this can be very helpful for generating ideas, reviewing your options, and deciding how (or if) to proceed with the relationship.

Leaving the Relationship

It is definitely possible to overcome video game addiction, so don't give up on your partner too easily. But if it is clear that:

1) playing video games is his number one priority
2) you are putting far more effort into the relationship than he is
3) you often feel ignored in favor of gaming
4) you have repeatedly asked him to cut back on his gaming time with no success
5) he is unwilling to talk about this issue
6) he is unwilling to seek help
7) he is not motivated to change

…this may unfortunately mean that leaving the relationship needs to be considered.